LIFE

7 Online Dating Stories That Will Make You Quit The Internet

50 shades of creep.

Ah… 2017. I had high hopes for this year, but so far it has been unanimously shit. I got hammered at NYE, lost my friends, lost my coat, puked on the cat, the cat puked in my Xbox and I’m still very, very single.

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It’s time to stretch my love muscle and play the dating game (again). I’m sure a few of you are in the same boat. Listless and lascivious. I guess it’s the time of year.

For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to investigate the “worst dating fails” as recorded by Reddit users. I think I wanted to put myself off going through the dating rigmarole again (It didn’t work).

Below are some of the most cringe date fails I found. I’m passing on the horror, but if you don’t think you can stomach it, then head over here to find something way more uplifting.

1) The 40 Minute Wonder

HEad In Hands

Sometimes it doesn’t take very much to totally put you off someone. One Reddit user describes how a date was going fine, but then, 40 minutes in, the girl drops a clanger: she asks him whether his parents are disappointed in him. The End. Thanks for stopping by.

2) Ex In Tow

Two Guys And A Girl

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Would you think of taking your ex to meet a new date? No, of course you wouldn’t, not unless you ate paint chips as a child. However, at least one woman in the dating universe thought this was a good idea. She brought him along for drinks.

Nope. NEXT! That’s all kinds of creepy.

3) Rinser

Milieuclub wil taboe doggybag doorbreken

One guy tells a real tale of woe. He buys a girl dinner and drinks. She orders so much food that she has loads of food left over. So, he helps her put it all in a doggy bag for later.

It’s a bit cheeky to order more than you can eat when someone else is paying, but he let that slide.

Then, at around midnight, she tells the poor fella that she needs a lift back to her house to meet up with the guy she’s planning on shagging later.

That really is bad form.

4) Weapon Weirdo

Machete

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Who takes a weapon to a date? Well, I guess if I was a female going on a date with a stranger in a strange place, I might consider it… but a machete? That’s pushing it.

According to one Reddit user, the girl showed him the machete after they’d been chatting for a while. Apparently, she took it along in case he was a “psycho.” It turns out that she was the psycho. But I’m not going to be the one to tell her.

5) Bomb… Drrrrrrop

Coffin

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This dating fail is strange, sad and disturbing. Get this: the date was going smoothly for both parties. The female was happily asking the male lots of questions. In fact, she refused to answer any questions. Initially, the man thought this was pretty cute, but then it started to feel weird.

The man decided to refuse to answer any more questions about himself until she gave away some info about herself. She took a long pause and, after a lot of deliberation, said “OK. My husband… died… two days ago.”

According to the poor psychologically damaged chap, he had a panic attack and, unsurprisingly, decided not to meet up with her again.

6) Second Date Insults

High Heels

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So, this girl is meeting a guy for a second time. First thing the bloke says: “You’re wearing less eyeliner than last time I saw you. Good.” Not a great start to be fair, but she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. She shouldn’t have bothered.

They walked together for a little while until this dolt dropped his next clanger. He says “You shouldn’t have worn heels.” It kind of doesn’t matter what he says after that, he’s already a douchebag, but what follows is as classic as it is offensive. He said that she was walking “like a dog that someone had put socks on.” LOL, but not really LOL.

7) Terror

Woman In Car Screaming

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I stopped reading the list of fails after I came across this one because it’s horrid. A woman was dating a man, and it had gone OK, nothing untoward. Then, it all went tits up pretty majestically.

As they sat in his car, he suddenly locked all of the doors and shouted at the top of his lungs: “I WANNA EAT THAT FUCKING PUSSY! LET ME EAT THAT FUCKING PUSSY!”

No, she decided not to see him again. Some people are dark, aren’t they?

If nothing else, I think we’ve demonstrated that, if you plan on getting involved in the dating world, you’re likely to have major disasters before you find your one true love. Like I said, I’m planning on diving throat deep into the dating cess pit again, and I’m eager to avoid at least some of this horror. So, I had a look about, on the hunt for a solution. Or, at least something that might help me dodge some of the shrapnel.

I came across a French dating app called Once. Now, I know what you’re going to say – “how the fuck can yet another dating app be of any use to me?” Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. But Once seems to be a little different.

Once Once

Once have been on the market for a little while; they seem like they are trying their darnedest to spare us the shit storm that dating can produce. Their basic premise is that each day, you get presented with one match. At the very same time, that match receives your profile. You can either interact, or you can pass. It’s simple. No endless scrolling to the sticky bottom of the rusty barrel.

Each match is handpicked by a real life, genuine, flesh and blood human. Yes, they employ professional matchmakers. That’s a neat little idea. We’re all busy, right? Our scrolling fingers need a break.

Recently, Once have started pushing the envelope further still. They now allow you to interact with your personal matchmaker, ensuring that you can cover all of the bases that you want ticked and significantly reduce the chances you’ll be paired with a disaster-shaped human.

Also, if you should need it, there will be dating coaching available… not that we need it…. of course… *Ahem.*And, once you’ve given your Once matchmaker the low down and they send over your first match, if you’re not keen, you can get back in touch with the matchmaker and fine tune your preferences even further – kinda like in the screenshot below:

Once MAtchmaker

You’re also able to talk to the matchmaker in real time via the app, so that you’ll be certain they have all the information they need to ensure that they pick out the very best potential significant other for you. It’s the first time such a tailor made feature has been offered at a low cost, and it looks set to revolutionise the dating game. All we’ve got to do is take advantage of it.

Now, the Once dating app can’t guarantee that you don’t crash and burn in the dating maelstrom, but with these new personalised features, then you’re going to have more success than everyone featured in this article. Try out the new personal matchmaker service here.


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