A spot-on lyric can really make a good song soar, on the other hand a crap line can make a perfectly reasonable track into a bad joke. Personally I listen to an unhealthy amount of heavy metal so I gave up trying to decipher lyrics years ago, but I still love a brilliantly awful line or two in my spare time.

I’ve popped together a list here of some of the most laughable attempts at musical poetry I could find, and there really is some shocking wordsmithery around.

We cruise from hip-hop to pop and beyond taking in the banal, the nonsensical and the stating the bleedin’ obvious. Let’s start with lounge-core hero…

1) Neil Diamond — I Am… I Said / Done Too Soon

“‘I am, I said , To no one there, And no one heard at all, Not even the chair”

Seriously. WTF. Chairs never hear nuthin’.

2) Nicki Minaj — Turn Me On

“I just want you to be my doctor. We can get it crackin’ chiropractor”

I wonder if she had a bet on with her friends that she couldn’t fit the word ‘chiropractor’ into her next single?

3) Des’Ree — Life

“I’m afraid of the dark, especially when I’m in a park… I don’t want to see a ghost, it’s a sight that I fear the most, I’d rather have a piece of toast”

An all time classic there. I think that would have to be my least favourite set of lyrics ever. I mean that is properly rubbish isn’t it? Don’t mention toast in a song unless it’s about setting fire to someone. Or maybe a champagne toast or something, you know…

That song hit the top 10 in no less than 14 countries. What does that tell us about the world?: We are screwed.

4) Nickleback — Something In Your Mouth

“‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth”

There’s nothing at all to like about Nickleback whether their lyrics were any good or not. But the imagery that lyric brings to mind of Scab Kruger (or whatever his name is) is genuinely awful.

5) Quiet Riot — Let’s Get Crazy

“I wanna kiss your lips… not the ones on your face”

Well done guys. Deep.

6) America — A Horse With No Name

“There were plants and birds and rocks and things”

Wow, there’s some of that wordsmithery I was telling you about.

7) Ne-Yo — Beautiful Monster

“And I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind No I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind No I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind No I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind (I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind) And I don’t mind (I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind) Said I don’t mind (I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind) And I don’t mind (I don’t mind I don’t I don’t mind) Beautiful monster”

So do you mind or not? I’m not clear Mr Ne-Yo?