About six months ago my buddy Ben sent me a link to a Jay and Silent Bob show in London and told me we should get tickets. He also asked me to buy them for him because he was going to be busy when they went on sale or something. I guess my thought process went something along the lines of ‘well yeah I guess that could be cool, Clerks was kind of cool.’

The warning signals should have gone off when I realised that Clerks was twenty years old and Kevin Smith hasn’t done anything worthwhile (except maybe Red State) in the past decade except get thrown off a plane for being too fat. I guess those warning signals should have gone off even more when tickets were £40 but I didn’t want to let my buddy down so I bought them and thought about how I didn’t even really like stand up comedy for about six months.

Fast forward to February 18th and we’re at the Hammersmith Apollo along with everyone in London that is fat and bald and/or a nerd. Doors were at 6:30 so we rocked up about 7:15 expecting the show to start around 7:30 or worst case scenario maybe at 8:00. Wrong on both counts as Jay and Silent Bob – or Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes as it should have been more accurately described (I mean when you think about it how can Silent Bob do a stand up show? He doesn’t say anything for fuck’s sake ) – didn’t take the stage until about 8:45. So that meant having a bunch of beers and shots in the bar – card limit at the bar was £15 so that was the only round the two of us could do that would break the limit. Which kinda sucked but  it sure beat sitting in our seats for two hours like it seemed everyone else did though. Morons.

So yeah, Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes came out on the stage and it was actually pretty exciting for about 2 minutes. Then they started talking. And must have told about 6 stories in the hour and twenty minutes they were on stage, interspersed with Jason Mewes running around the stage a couple of times – which seemed to impress a lot of people in the crowd?! – and culminating with Mewes picking some people out of the crowd and simulating sexual positions with them after saying ‘Let us Fuck’ in a comedy voice. Which was about as funny as it sounds. If you’re in any confusion about what I’m trying to say with that then bear in mind that I hate Tenacious D.

In fairness Kevin Smith was kind of funny when he told stories – one about Batman coming to London in an episode of the TV show and heading to the Londinum Batcave was a highlight (see what I’m describing as highlights of this show?) – but most of the show was taken up by Mewes telling boring self indulgent monologues that ended up becoming dangerously dull as he rambled on and on. One time I went to the toilet and for a cigarette – pissing off all the fat bald people in my row as I made them stand up to get past – and when I came back he had barely progressed in the story at all despite my absence. Another time I turned to by buddy and asked him simply ‘what the hell is he talking about now?’ My friend didn’t know either, despite the fact that neither of us had left our seats for the past fifteen minutes.

I spent most of the rest of the show looking at the clock and waiting for it to be over. Fortunately, next time I needed to take a piss I didn’t piss the fat guys on my row off because everyone the other side of me (at least 8 people) had walked out leaving that side of the row empty. This was replicated all over the venue. It was just so boring. It wasn’t even that long a show, but it felt like I was trapped in purgatory. If you ever get a chance to go to a Jay and Silent Bob show I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you’re obsessed with Jason Mewes or an insomniac.

Having said that, some people did give them a standing ovation at the end and some people seemed really excited when Kevin Smith would constantly talk about Mewes having overcome addiction to crack or heroin or whatever crap he was on. These people were clearly retarded or American or something. I just wish that Mewes had still be on drugs – his stories might not have made as much sense but at least they would have probably been more entertaining.